blabs and blurbs of a twenty something

the warmth of rain

2006-05-13T05:49:00.000-07:00

"to having been alone your whole life, and then having someone who finally, sincerely wants to be with you, someone who wants to know everything about you and will not stop at anything just to be with you. . . is the most surreal feeling ever. dont ever pass it up"

yes, it is surreal and the BEST feeling ever. I'm glad i didn't pass it up. I will keep it---hopefully for good.=)

In the spirit of Valentine

2006-02-13T08:01:00.000-08:00

I don't believe in love at first sight but this is definitely a love at first read.

Love at First Sight
by Wislawa Szymborska

Both are convinced
that a sudden surge of emotion bound them together.
Beautiful is such a certainty,
but uncertainty is more beautiful.

Because they didn't know each other earlier, they suppose that
nothing was happening between them.
What of the streets, stairways and corridors
where they could have passed each other long ago?

I'd like to ask them
whether they remember-- perhaps in a revolving doorever being face to face?
an "excuse me" in a crowdor a voice "wrong number" in the receiver.
But I know their answer:
no, they don't remember.

They'd be greatly astonished
to learn that for a long time
chance had been playing with them.

Not yet wholly ready
to transform into fate for them
it approached them, then backed off,
stood in their way
and, suppressing a giggle,
jumped to the side.

There were signs, signals:
but what of it if they were illegible.
Perhaps three years ago,
or last Tuesday
did a certain leaflet fly
from shoulder to shoulder?
There was something lost and picked up.
Who knows but what it was a ball
in the bushes of childhood.

There were doorknobs and bells
on which earlier
touch piled on touch.
Bags beside each other in the luggage room.
Perhaps they had the same dream on a certain night,
suddenly erased after waking.

Every beginning
is but a continuation,
and the book of events
is never more than half open.
-translated by Walter Whipple

The Five Ball Challenge

2006-02-11T22:14:00.000-08:00

Dear God,

I woke up this morning feeling the need to read day 14 of the purpose driven life. Ironically, it’s been almost 14 days since I received your wake-up call. Just when I thought that my life was getting back to normal, that unexpected call came. It was not the typical ring I get from people. It was not alarming either. It was just different. I picked up the phone and said hello. I felt that somebody was there listening to me. I uttered hello again hoping to hear a voice. But I just heard mine. I just heard my voice echoing through the room. I realized it was you calling me. You were calling me back. I just knew that after that call my life will never be the same again. It made me stopped for a while and watch my life unfold.

Life is said to be composed five balls. Each ball represents you work, family, friends, health and integrity. These balls are not like the usual game wherein you use one ball at a time. They are given to you all at the same time. You create your own balancing act and make sure they stay in place. They are not all the same of course. Work is like a bouncing ball. Once it falls on the ground it will always bounce back and it’s up to you catch it or not. The other balls are made of glass. Once it broken, consider it gone. I was probably too preoccupied on that bouncing ball. I was challenging myself to catch it every time it flies on air. I was clumsily using one hand carrying all four balls. Gravity was finally taking charge. All at the same time, they slipped off my hand in an instant. I automatically dropped to the ground and tried to save it. I thought it was too late. I thought I was about to witness the biggest natural disaster in the history of life. Until I saw very familiar hands helping me catch the balls. The hands that mastered the art of perfect timing. The similar hands who would tickle me when I was still a baby. The same hands that were on my shoulder when I was all alone crying in my room. Those were your hands, God. No amount thank you’s will be enough for being there at that time. Actually, for being there all the time. The experience left bruises in me. Eventually, they will turn into scars. The marks that will be remnants of yesterday, a reminder for today and tomorrow.

Amnesia

2006-01-30T01:51:00.002-08:00

Write to express ache
Smile to overcome pain
Laugh to forget memories

Happily Never After

2006-01-29T03:34:00.000-08:00

I was watching the Bambi video with my kids. Bambi was kissing the other deer. (I forgot the name of the other deer…but I’m sure it’s not Rudolph hehe) I heard Tim sighed and said “And they fall in love.” He was looking at the TV with sparkling eyes. I asked him, “Tim, what do you mean by fall in love.” Tim said “It’s when two people love each other and then they live together and they live happily ever after.

How simple it sounds….but doesn’t really happen all the time. More often than not two people who love each other doesn’t end up living together and ends with a happily ever after. Sometimes they just end. They just do.

Mga Huling

2006-01-27T23:08:00.000-08:00

Tuldukan ang kasiyahan ng..
Huling ngiti
Huling yakap
Huling pagluha
Huling pag-uusap
Huling paalam ng huling sandali

Sunrays and Saturdays-Vertical Horizon

2006-01-13T17:49:00.000-08:00

Open the window
Let the sunset in
If only for the last time
Let me see you smile again
I’ll take my records
You can have your books
I’m sorry I never read them
But it says so much about us
Always trying
To make love out of care
The perfect recipe
But something wasn’t there
Chorus:
Sunrays and saturdays
Perfect starry nights
Sweet dreams and moonbeams
And a love that’s warm and bright
Sunrays and saturdays
Friendship strong and true
Oceans of blue and a room with a view
To live the life you choose
You’ll write me letters
I’ll call you on the phone
A wire away from touching
And never quite alone
We’ll get to know ourselves again
And we’ll heal our hearts
It’s not that we’re bad together
We’re just better off apart
Always trying
To have one and one make two
And even though it never worked
I still feel love for you

The Void

2005-10-24T09:36:00.000-07:00

Soul was found dead
Bloodless and lifeless
Speculated and investigated
Death was unavoidable
Forthcoming they say
Soul was immersed to complexities
Submerged into adversities of life
Strained by monotony
Bathe in perplexed decisions
Lost in nothingness

Song of the Moment

2005-07-18T06:34:00.000-07:00

Strong Enough

God, I feel like hell tonight
Tears of rage I cannot fight
I’d be the last to help you understand
Are you strong enough to be my man?
Nothing’s true and nothing’s right
So let me be alone tonight
Cause you can’t change the way I am
Are you strong enough to be my man?
Lie to me
I promise I’ll believe
Lie to me
But please don’t leave
I have a face I cannot show
I make the rules up as I go
It’s try and love me if you can
Are you strong enough to be my man?
When I’ve shown you that I just don’t care
When I’m throwing punches in the air
When I’m broken down and I can’t stand
Will you be strong enough to be my man?
Lie to me
I promise I’ll believe
Lie to me
But please don’t leave

101

2005-06-21T08:48:00.000-07:00

My tearless cry…….
Smear it with constancy
My cold fingers….
Grasp it with clarity
My complicated outlook….
Synchronize it with a side-splitting mind
My mechanical mouth…..
Screw it with discretion
My knowing eyes…..
Blind it with randomness
My guileless spirit…..
Slay it with absurdity
Make me feel without thinking
Let us fall not crash

The Now

2005-06-19T02:38:00.000-07:00

The promise of no yesterday
Just you and me
In the realm of the now
No questions asked
Just answers of the moment
Living between yes and no
Just maybe’s and if ever’s

Pag-ahon

2005-06-19T02:32:00.000-07:00

Sa pagpanaw ng pag-ibig
Nag-ahon ng puot sa damdamin
Pilit binura ng kasiyahan
Habang umaasang titigil ang lahat
Para lubos na marinig ang pintig ng puso
Na tila naging manhid na
Sa karimlan ng nakalipas

"Bless The Broken Road"

2005-05-26T07:05:00.000-07:00

I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you
Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

Now I'm just rolling home
Into my lover's arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you.

May 25, 2005

2005-05-25T03:42:00.000-07:00

Pikit mata

Alam mo ba kung saan pupunta?
Bakit tila nagaalangan ka?
Hindi ba’t nasagot na ang lahat ng mga tanong
Huwag nang lumingon
Baka magustuhan mo lang iyong makita
At kumaripas sa masmadaling daan
Kung saan may kasiguraduhan ang lahat
Abot kamay na marangyang bukas
Kabaligtad ng iyong tatahaking daan
Madilim at masukal
Hudyat ng alinlangan
Sa bawat hikbi ng takot
Pikit mata kang lumayo
Sasamahan ka ng sikat ng buwan
Sapat na ang liwanag na iyon
Upang masilayan ang kasalukayan

Stillness

2005-05-23T06:07:00.001-07:00

Stillness

I still think about you.
I still remember the promise of bliss
I still see the pain that I’ve cause you
God placed a pathway between us
To leave a blemish
That will eternally remind us of everything
The blemish is still there
You are still there
I am still here

May 17, 2005

2005-05-16T19:32:00.000-07:00

He smelled the brokenness in her
Face masked with the joyous present
Lips wrinkled from the past
Eyes solemnly crying
Staring at him
With depth from her scarred soul

Number 4---check!

2005-04-10T20:45:00.000-07:00

After 4 hours of mixing, blending, measuring and tasting etc. etc.….I finally finished my first attempt to make a strawberry shortcake. …..painstakingly doing it for a long period of time was a very challenging task……I was thinking that it would turn out great since I put some effort into it. (or atleast I thought so) Unfortunately, it didn't turn out as delectable as I thought it would be. But it was still safe to eat hehe.

Summer '05 Checklist

2005-04-04T04:42:00.000-07:00

Wuhooo the heat is on! Hopefully (i'll keep my fingers cross), I get to do all of these things before summer ends.

1. finish reading three books (48 Laws of power, I know this much is true, To Kill a Mocking Bird)
2. watch a play.(the last play I watched was two years ago....Insiang at CCP....worth every single peso)
3. go to the beach!!!
4. try wall climbing---- keyword TRY.
5. watch a gig of True Faith.....
6. join Habitat for Humanity
7. swim 10 laps non-stop...okay I take it back make it 8 hehe.
8. master the art of cooking adobo.
9. learn how to bake strawberry shortcake. (the stawberry shortcake from Mandarin Hotel is to die for....pati presyo to die for rn hihi)

friends ba kamo?

2004-11-02T16:13:00.000-08:00

friend
Pronunciation: 'frend
Function: noun
ey...friends na ba? sana napatawad mona ko...hope u all the best in life... I was having a supposedly "good" morning until this particular friendster message spoiled it. You''ll probably wonder why this seemingly sincere message ruined my morning. Primarily because this message came from an "used to be."used to be my boyriend, used to be in love, "used to trust "------but I still hate. I've been praying to the lord god almighty that eventually this anger will be blotted out of my system. I hate exhausting kinetic energy on some useless matter. But everytime I try to convince myself on forgiving IT all the memories seem to suddenly accumulate in my head.My brain becomes an instant rewinder as it takes me down again to memory lane. hayayyayayay. Maybe I should be give the guy a list of what friend is before asking himself to be one.
1 a : one attached to another by affection or esteem b : ACQUAINTANCE

2 a : one that is not hostile b : one that is of the same nation, party, or group

3 : one that favors or promotes something (as a charity)

4 : a favored companion

5 capitalized : a member of a Christian sect that stresses Inner Light, rejects sacraments and an ordained ministry, and opposes war

October 1, 2004

2004-09-30T08:31:00.000-07:00

In exactly 26 minutes I'll be stepping officially to my 22 years of existence. I don't why but the disease of the "birthdays blues" always seem to enter my mental dominion during this time of the year. I always have this feeling of hanging on to what is left of my youth. I want to be eternally young. I yearn to be in the realm of thinking that I can be anything I want to be. I am fearing that ever year that I get older I may never remember what it's like to live in a juvenile world.

September 1, 2004

2004-08-31T10:25:00.000-07:00

Knowing there is only now
© Cynthia Alexander

here we stand
we know
it will always be
everything & nothing
between us
but space & silence
to begin with
tell me how it is
to love & live & be
no promises knowing
there is only now
knowing there is only now
as we walk away
out the door
welcome back reality
don't forget we smile knowing
there is only now
tell me how it is
to love & live & be
no promises knowing
there is only now
knowing there is only now

My Love Affair with Alcohol

2004-06-07T04:40:00.000-07:00

Contrary to ignorant belief, it is not true that money can’t buy love. In fact, it is now available at your leading bars and restaurants. It can be purchased at the amazing prize of 100 bucks or 25 if you’re frugal. It is disguised under the common name of alcoholic beverages.

It’s been a year since my love affair with alcohol started. It has also been a year since I’ve embraced my single-blessedness. I have resorted to this liquor to pervade the hole echoing inside myself. The hole notoriously excavated by the three men who severely damaged my capacity to love. My so-called love affair was programmed during Saturdays nights, the nights when this hole usually surfaces.

As the waiter hands me the menu, I begin to feel the exuberant power of options that I have in my hands. I have now the ability to concoct the love according to my own likings. I can make it strong or light, little or plenty, bitter or sweet----finally, I have a choice. I opted for a bottle of beer. I begin touching my lips with its icy hard opening. The liquid with its bittersweet tang awakened my senses as it prickles my taste buds. I feel this extraordinary rush of well-being every time I gulp down the golden liquid. I start to converse more than my usual chatter. I sense this certain buoyancy emerging in my head. Suddenly, I now have this urge to convey whatever I think. I am now free to do whatever I want. It is now alright to be myself. My body is now warm as if somebody is embracing me to prevent the coldness of being alone.

I begin to drink some more so I can grasp and savor that moment. I feel the bottle has lost its weight as the last ounce of alcohol trickle down my throat. The buoyancy I felt before is starting to vanish from my consciousness. I start to get a vivid glimpse of an empty bottle in front of me. The empty bottle that can be likened to the actuality of my love life. It is enveloped by emptiness. The emptiness that created a particular fear in me. The fear that this emptiness could go on forever. I quickly reached for my money to relive my love affair. The love affair that can cease the fear, the emptiness, the hole from my non-existent love life.